Momma, Max Factor & The Catholic Church            

 

If i were to tell ya how i felt bout this man 

first ya might wanna laugh, but a’ course

ya woodn’t cuz you could see in my eyes the passion 

an’ you’d wanna hear the story, but there ain’t 

no more story. it's over. i mean it's done.

there ain’t one drop a’ nothin between us, but 

mostly there’s no body left. 

 

Ya see, when we fell in love

he saw who he'd been looking for since 

he was just a little tyke when his momma 

walked out on him. It made him so scared, he started figthin 

right from the start in all kinda ways with me instead. 

Now don’t ask me how sane folks could do

somethin so crazy as tanglin an’ wrastlin over mostly nothin,

but finally we both saw that’s what was happenin, 

he even said it. Add on top a’ that we owned a business 

an’ were riding around in a truck all day together.

 

So, he's lovin me who he saw as 

some perfect somethin or other, 

an me, i'm lovin the guy i see he could be,

but instead a’ being happy, i was more afraid a’ us

than if i'd been facin off with some wild cat.

i ain’t been that scared since i was a little girl 

fightin with my big brother, worryin somethin awful

would happen if he got any madder,

me, who wasn’t afraid of nothin, an’ always had 

a smart comeback, i couldn’t find no words 

to make either one of ‘em stop.

 

Now, i knew there was somethin not quite right about 

who we thought we were fightin an’ lovin, but

there was so much love, i thought i’d die if i lost him.

So, we kept trying to fix it, but almost tearin the earth 

out from under, then we'd cry cuz we'd hurt each other 

an’ we'd be sorry an’ close an’ then, it'd happen again. 

Sometimes i'd be shakin so hard i'd have to stop what i was

doin just to keep from fallin down. One time 

when he was mad an’ i began to shake, i thought, Wait a minute!

He's just a puny little thing, no stronger then me, i could

make pancakes outta him! Why am i so scared?

 

That was the beginnin of me seein he wasn’t 

a monster bully, but some shadow from my past, 

an’ when he began to see i wasn’t gonna do it

no more, well, i quit lookin like that wonderful

momma he'd been cravin since she locked him

in the closet, an’ he admitted he couldn’t love for fightin.

When we got so we weren’t seein who wasn’t there 

we realized we didn’t recognize who was

so that’s when we began to disappear. i ain’t never 

disappeared before an’ it sure does ache from a feelin

inside a’ empty like i'd been swallowed up 

by the bottom of an ole dried up well, a blackness

that ain’t got no sound, no name, no breath.

 

Not only did i finally rip away my dream of who he was 

but i lost my own me image in the bargain, at least

the me i'd been wearing all a’ those years, 

an’ without her i wasn’t sure who was hiding inside a’ me.

The pain was there, the love, the used to be knowin each other,

but the us? the people? we just faded inta some fog bank

just disappeared. There just wasn’t 

no body left there anymore. 

A few years after that, he drown saving his daughter. 

And I gave myself a new name.

Sharon Lopez Mooney, “Living with daughters”, from Sybil Journal, ed. & publ. H.D. & Stephen R. Spencer, https://www.sybiljournal.com