There's a great truth here

1          at first glance

 

you came up to me in my life/said you wanted to love me/like

you never loved nobody before/well those weren’t the words

you used/only i didn’t know you hadn’t loved any strong grown

up womon since yr momma left when you were four/so i said

i’d really think about it/n before i cld think i’d fallen

so in love with you/it embarrassed me a middle aged womon/but

it felt so good i decided to stay/n went to work to find

some way to fit this love into a marriage i was committed to/

so i cried and shook/n loved so much it dot me tired/n you

were nurturing yrslf on our love as well/but of course you

were rear scared n careful with yrslf/n that made you kinda

cavalier with me sometimes/bu t i felt love like i'd  never

before/n the pleasure at loving out weighed the hurts/so i

kept at it/n had to watch you fall lor somebody n win her

heart/all this time still we're close/talking of our love n

friendship/but you still too afraid lo let me into that last

frontier/over n over you refused by advances/'no i won't'

you said/all the while making love to someone you told me

you actually loved less/n i watched her turn her back on

you hurt you real bad cuz she wanted something you all

along told her/you cldn't giver/i felt lucky i wasn'1 her/

that we were together something different n deep/n forgot

sometimes you were still afraid to love a middle womon/n

that’s what made you act so crazy at times/in those cycles

you like to describe of yrslf/i guess we're in one of them

afraid cycles now/where we're 100 close n yr afraid you

can't be yrslf if you lat me In/so i have lo wait carefully/

so as not to gel scared you won't love me any more/wait till

the next cycle shows itslf/but this time i’m worried i won't

make it for some reason i can't figger/my love's telling me

i can wall forever/my mind's telllng me to be as careful

with myslf as you are

 

2          i wanna tell you from my side

 

well now there's two of us

me n her who heard what you said

but thot we cld hear between the lines

heard you telling each of us

you didn't want to love nobody

so hard

you cldn't hear  yrslf thinking

but we both fooled ourselves

into believing you were really promising

to try to love us the way we wanted

            now

            this alnt about you

            jus me

 

so ever

time you said

'no i don't wanna'

i heard you say

'that'd be hard but maybe'

so i went on ahead

jus loving you much as i cld

me giving n getting

you taking n enjoying

Jus like you wanted to go on that way w/me

i mean who wldn't take

love like that

            now

            member

            this isn't about you

            Jus me

 

i cried n hurl

something awful

when i cldn't get from you

what i thot you were

trying to find in yrslf

 

while you were really

feeling jus fine cuz

you were getting what

you needed from me

n thot you were glvin me

jus what you'd said you wld

            i want you to

            remember

            this is about me

            not you

 

next i tried a different approach

I tole you i wasn't gonna

do it no more

id had it

but you said 'no, i love you

don't want you to go away'

so i thot that meant

you wanted to love me

the way i wanted

but you musta thot

ft meant i wasn't gonna leave

say

            i want ii clear

            this is about me

            n the hearing problem

            i've been having

 

n then

i really tried to show

you clear n plain

how i felt about you

we spent more time together

but were less close

than ever before

n all a sudden

you were moving away from me

subtle like

course

only obvious to me

            but i’m  talking

            about myslf here

 

now i saw this

but i knew you were

trying

no matter

how it looked

so i kept

loving n giving n waiting

but then

i saw you

loving yr old frlend

jus like you tole me

you cldn’t do

so finally

i began

to think maybe

i'd heard you wrong

            even i know

            thls is not

            yr story

 

so i tried thinking

real hard about

loving somebody didn't love

me back the same

n i noticed

you began lo tell me

thlngs cuz it was

too hard to tell me

the truth

that you'd

rather not w/me

but then you'd have

to go against em

n then do what you needed anyway

and so it wasn't

really lies

            It's me

            and how i’m hearing

 

now about this lime

i decided to give up

my cravings

i mean

stuff i’m addicted to

you know

sugar n sail n butter

n all the other

country folk's food

n i did

real good

so i’m figgering

i can give

you up too

cuz my muscles

are in shape

            now

            these are

            my cravings member

 

so you can keep all

those pictures

n letters

they were for

you anyway

but i’ve taken down

yr pictures otta my room

n i’m takln back

my heart

cuz

you can't have it no more

even if you didn't

want it

from the start

            i do hope you can

            member

            this has been

            my story

            i've been tellln

 

 

3          fall cleaning

 

i'm takin back all my stuff

the little presents

n jokes i toie you

all those embarrassing times

we laughed over

even the secrets

every little piece of me

i'm gonna take back my memories

i don't want

you remembering

what i remember

i don't want you

to know

the things i know

any more

you have to give back

all the things i figgered out

they're not yrs

i gave em to you

as gifts from myslf

i want all those

nights we whispered

when i look into my memory

i don’t wanna be able

to see you standing there

loving me w/yr touch

or singing lyrics lo songs

so i can understand em

i want you lo be gone from me

i'll live w/the holes

i'll fill em

w/house plants

n poems

even If i leave

one hole

I want it empty

so i can' t remember

what went there

i jus want you

to clear otta

my heart

Sharon Lopez Mooney, ‘There’s a great truth here’, in The MacGuffin, ed. By Arthur J. Lindenberg, Volume II Number II, Fall 1985, Schoolcraft College, Livonia, Michigan, pp.9-14

Sharon Lopez Mooney, published poet, Interfaith Minister, spiritual coach